Daily Story—Category: Writing
Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 2:29PM Adventures in Writing
How I traveled from Peoria to New York on a freight train of vowels, consonants, verbs, adjectives and the odd non sequitur. (Part two in a series of many.)
POP Goes A Writer.
After Gone With The Burp (see yesterday’s post), Greg and I tried a few more projects and I got more intrigued by writing with every one. We did two more books, one was a parody of those “How To Pick Up Women” books called, “How To Pick Up Women Even If You’re A Pencil Neck Geek and Your Breath Smells Like Attila the Hun’s Armpits and the second was a parody of “tell-all” books, entitled, “I Was Elvis Presley’s Sheep.” Both books were written in a jokey, loose style and looking back at them now, they’re not very well written, but I was learning and really getting into the art of writing. Greg and I did one more project together which was a throwback to the Idiot Trivia game, except this one was a trivia game for dogs called Grrrrivia Trivia.
By now I was a pro at getting local press. Since there aren’t a lot of people writing joke books and games in Peoria, it was easy to get in the newspaper, on the radio and on the local news. National press was a lot tougher and every year I learned how lucky we had been to get the Today Show episode thrown in our laps when we did the Idiot Trivia game. I continued to send them every project we did, but had no luck. I also started sending our projects to newspapers and magazines. I even got to know a writer at People magazine, who’s name is Mike Neill. Mike wrote a lot of the one page human interest stories in People, so I sent him all our stuff. It got to be where I’d call him at his office in New York and he’d respond with, “Oh shit, what have you done now?” So I sent him a copy of Grrrivia Trivia and he thought it was a hoot and pitched as an article idea. And his editor gave it the green light and they sent a stringer (a freelance writer) from Chicago to interview us in Peoria. This was great news, because we had been in touch with a pet store chain and they had told us that if we got in People magazine, they would order thousands! Who knows what else would come of being in People magazine? I started thinking that maybe it would be like the Idiot Trivia time all over again.
I had a new girlfriend by now and her name was Lynda. Lynda put up with these projects of mine, but more than anything she wanted to get married. I had been married years earlier and that didn’t turn out too well, so I had no intention of making that mistake again. But I kept telling Lynda, “Okay, if this project doesn’t hit the big time, then I’ll settle down and forget all of it.” And now it looked like it was going to happen and I was really excited. Lynda wasn’t quite so thrilled and I think she kind of dreaded it going big time and wondered what would happen to me then.
Well I was all ready for national exposure once again and days seemed to go on forever. Finally the day that Mike said was their deadline day came and I called him at his New York office in the Time/Life Building.
“Mike, it’s Marty, what page are we on?” I excitedly asked as visions of fame danced in my head.
“Hang on, I’ve got the blueline copy here,” Mike told me as I heard him flipping through pages. “Hmm...something’s, weird, let me call you back,” He said hanging up.
This was not good news. My stomach started a slow free fall as I paced in my little kitchen in my apartment like a psycho lion in a cage too small. Finally after what seemed like eternity, the phone rang. I rang and picked it up on the first ring.
“Hello?” I shouted in the receiver, hoping it was Mike with good news.
It was Mike, however the news was less than stellar. In fact it stunk.
“Hey, it’s Mike,” Mike said to me, he sounded funny, I started to feel sick.
“So what’s going on, we’re in there, right?” I asked still grasping onto straws that weren’t there that we were still featured in that issue.
“I will never tell someone in advance that they’re going to be in,” Mike said in a bummed out voice.
The elevator in my stomach continued it’s ride down to the basement with the pace quickening.
“What’s going on?” I questioned as my head was spinning and I was pacing back and forth as far as the telephone cord would allow me.
“No one came to take your picture, did they?” Mike asked.
“No, I thought that was weird, but figured they were just using the game,” I told him.
“The geniuses in the art department worked up a velvet painting of dogs playing your game,” Mike told me.
All of the sudden my hopes were lifted and the elevator in my stomach stopped.
“That’s great! So we’re in it!” I shouted upon hearing this news.
“No, I just went to my editor and asked what was going on and he said, ‘The name of this magazine is People, not Dog World. We should’ve gotten pictures of the guys who invented the game.’ Sorry, but they killed the story,” Mike begrudgingly told me.
“No, no no, wait, we’ll send you a photo, we’ll fly out there to have one taken,” I shouted into the phone in desperation.
“Sorry, Wombacher, but when they kill something, that’s it, they move on,” Mike told me blankly.
“Shit,” was all I could say back.
“Sorry, Wombacher, call me with your next project,” Mike told me and hung up.
I hung up the phone and went and sat on my couch and stared at the wall and said, “Fuck,” over and over and over.
Later on I called Lynda and she almost seemed glad.
“See the disappointment you set yourself up for?” She asked.
I was too numb to argue so I just agreed. I called the buyer from the pet store and she told me without the People article the deal was off. When it rains it pours.
I went and laid on the couch and tried to think of other publicity angles. We were already in the local paper, so that shot the local press. I thought to myself that it was too bad Peoria didn’t have its own local People magazine. After all, there were lots of local bands, cool record stores, comedians and Peoria had a rich history. Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison and Dan Fogelberg were all hometown boys made good. All of a sudden it hit me, Greg and I could put out a magazine! I could write it and he could design it. It could be huge! I ran to the phone and called Greg at work.
Things had changed since Greg and I first did the Trivial Trivia game. He now managed the department we worked in and I was working the third shift. We kind of were going in different angles at work as he was now a boss and I cared even less about the job. I just wanted the paycheck and I didn’t mind working nights because it allowed me to do my projects in the day. When I called him and told him my magazine idea, he didn’t say much and the next day he told me he just wouldn’t have time to do it.
I was a little disappointed, but Greg and I had drifted apart somewhat, I got more and more in to putting together projects and he was more concerned about work. I called my brother Jim, who had just started working at a graphic arts company that mainly computerized. This was in 1989 and computers were just being started to be used somewhat in the workplace. I called and asked him if I could do a magazine using a computer. He told me to talk to a guy named Jim Kelton who he worked with. He told me Kelton was really into computers.
So I called Kelton and he seemed excited about the idea and we decided to meet and talk about it. A couple days later, I met Kelton and my brother and Kelton was excited about the project. My brother said he’d contribute some artwork. Both of them wondered how I was going to put together the editorial end. I held up a copy of People magazine and said, “How tough can it be to put something like this together?” They both laughed and I think they thought I was out of my fucking mind.
I didn’t tell Lynda anything about this project for a couple weeks. I made a list of things I would need and so far I needed a logo, a prototype of the magazine that I could output at work, leads for ads, I needed to figure out how to do subscriptions, I needed to learn how to write a feature article, I needed to find other writers who would work on this, I needed to find a printer, I needed photographers...and it went on and on. I looked at the list and felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I put it aside and called Lynda and we made plans to go out to eat that evening. I decided I would tell her about the magazine.
We went to dinner at a local hotel called Jumer’s that we liked to go to. It was kind of fancy and something different from our usual routine. I started talking about how we just missed getting in People magazine and Lynda looked like she was getting two teeth pulled by an amateur dentist. Using my perfect sense of timing, I decided that now was the time to break the news about the magazine.
“You know what this town needs?” I asked in between bites of my salad.
“What?” Lynda countered and looking like she was dreading to hear my answer.
“It’s own People magazine. You know, a People of Peoria magazine. Hey, that would be a good name for it, wouldn’t it?” I said laughing.
Lynda dropped her fork on the plate and said, “What are you planning now?”
“My own magazine, wouldn’t it be great?” I said with a big toothy smile.
“What?” Lynda asked in an incredulous tone.
“My own magazine!” I spit out excitedly. “It could be funny, there could be feature articles about cool stuff around town the paper won’t cover...it can be anything I want it to be!”
“Is Greg doing this with you?” Lynda questioned with narrowing eyes.
“Nah, he’s too wrapped up at work. Jim and one of his friends said they’d work on it though. And Jim’s friend Kelton is going to show me how to lay it all out on a computer and...” Now Lynda cut in.
“Are you nuts? You don’t have a computer, you don’t know how to use one? And you’re going to be the editor? You’ve only written those joke books and games. And what about ads and subscriptions and...” Now I cut in.
“I’m just going to take it one step at a time. I’m going to put together a prototype and see if I can sell ads and go from there.” I told her. Lynda just shook her head. Not much else was said that night and after dinner I took her back to her apartment and she bolted out of the car. Part of me felt like chasing after her, but the other part wanted to do a magazine. I put the car in drive and laid a patch out of her parking lot and went home and got batshit drunk.
Lynda came by the nest day and we talked a little and then she gave me an ultimatum. I either forget about writing and all these crazy projects or forget about her. I gave her the “maybe we should just be friends” line and she left the apartment crying.
We actually did manage to stay friends and I started working on my prototype. Kelton had worked up a logo and a rough version of what the pages would look like and my brother Jim did some artwork for it. I output the pages at night at work and when it was done I called the Pere Marquette Hotel and got an appointment with the person who bought the ads. I was moving so fast I didn’t have time to think of the big picture, which in hindsight, I think was a good thing, because the big picture would’ve scared the everloving shit out of me.
I went to the appointment and met with the ad buyer, an attractive woman in a smart business suit a couple years older than me. I had never tried to sell advertising and was bumbling through the whole thing. In fact it started with me tripping and falling into a chair. I remember the woman laughing at me and helping me up. She asked me what I thought the demographics would be and I really wasn’t quite sure what the word, “demographics” meant at the time. I looked at her, shrugged and said, “Look, I’m not an ad salesman, and probably the audience who would read what I want to put together couldn’t afford to stay here. I just saw that you did a lot of local advertising, so I thought I’d start with you,” I said as I started to put the prototype into the briefcase I had borrowed from my dad.
The woman looked at me and just laughed and said, “You know I appreciate your honesty. I know who you are and I’ve bought some of your stuff. I remember when you were on the Today Show and I’m looking forward to seeing what you do with this magazine idea. I think it’ll be good for this town. I’ll take a quarter page ad in the first issue and we’ll go from there,” She told me with a smile.
“You really will pay for an ad?” I asked incredulously.
“The first thing you need to learn, Marty, is not to look shocked when someone says they want to advertise in your magazine, okay?” She said laughing while walking me to the door of her office.
“Right,” I said laughing too, “thanks for the tip. And for the ad! I’ll send you a contract this week, I still need to make them up,” I confessed.
“You’re too much,” she said laughing, “drop them by when you can, good luck!”
I thanked her profusely and she went back to her desk and I walked to my car which was parked on the third tier of the parking garage. I threw the briefcase in the back seat, got in and just sat there. Then slowly, fear started to creep up from my toes all the way to my brain and I said to myself, “Fuck...now I’ve got to do this!”
(Stay tuned for the next installment which will run on Monday. I’m running a September 11th thingy tomorrow and over the weekend will just be loosey goosey stuff.)
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Reader Comments (4)
These stories are great Marty! You've led a fascinating life!
Kudos to youdos! I especially love that part about the contract! "I still need to make them up!"...made me laugh right out loud!
I'm hooked.....keep em coming!
Nice to see you back Professor!