This Is My Mind On Jesus
Sunday, July 5, 2009 at 1:42PM 
If Jesus was a game show host, everyone would win a brand new Norge refrigerator, win or lose. Jesus likes it when people are able to properly cool their food and liquid products. And he loves people to have ice, so they have the ability to make a nice cold drink, any old time of the day or night. Hooray for Jesus!
----------------------------------------------------
Jesus is also a Spanish name but it’s pronounced, “Hayzooz.” Which sounds like you’re calling out to another God, “Hey Zeus.” Oh, don’t be jealous Jesus, we like you way better than Zeus!
----------------------------------------------------
Jesus hates Zeus. That’s okay Jesus, you can have hate in your holy heart. We forgive you, because you forgive us. Now pick up your mat and walk. Ha ha ha! We kid you because we love you, Jesus!
----------------------------------------------------
Jesus’ official job title is, “Son of God.” I’ve always felt it should be, “Son of a God.” You know, like you say, “Son of a bitch.” Or, “Son of a gun.” “Son of God” makes Jesus sound like a psycho serial killer, like “Son of Sam.” You’re not a psycho serial killer, are you, Jesus? Gosh, I certainly hope not. I don’t want you to strangle me in my sleep tonight with a coat hanger. I think I’ll wear a scarf to bed tonight just in case, Jesus.
----------------------------------------------------
Jesus mostly wears flowing robes and sandals, but when he works at his desk in his office in heaven, he often wears a suit, tie and he has shiny brown wingtip shoes on his feet. After a long day of creating miracles, deciding where disasters should happen, forgiving sinners and picking who goes to heaven and who goes to hell, Jesus’ tie is loosened, the top shirt button is undone and he’s ready for a few stiff drinks. Cheers, Jesus!
----------------------------------------------------
Hey Jesus, what’s that aftershave you’re wearing? It’s got a manly aroma and it just drives the ladies absolutely wild! No wonder Mary Magdalen was so ga-ga over you. You’re a man’s man, Jesus!
----------------------------------------------------
This really has nothing to do with you Jesus, but one word can describe Mary Magdalen. And that word is: WHORE. TO WHORES!
----------------------------------------------------
If Jesus worked at Taco Bell, he could turn the Pepsi into wine and the taco shells into loaves of bread. Then he would slice the bread, take the taco ingredients and make grilled taco sandwiches. They wouldn’t taste very good, but people would be so drunk off the wine, they’d order one sandwich after another and soon Taco Bell’s stock would quintuple. You’re not only the best savior in the world Jesus, you’re a freaking marketing genius!
----------------------------------------------------
I said it at the top of the page, and gosh darn it all, I’ll say it at the bottom: Hooray for Jesus!
----------------------------------------------------
Reader Comments (15)
Ok, ok...so you've heard of the Sodom Cross Church....next time somebody dies, maybe we should get together and watch the corpse all night to make sure the devil doesn't come git'em...TRIPPING...
If you wear a scarf to bed , he will not need the coat hanger .
I LOVE THAT JESUS HOLE !!!!!! Hoooray for jesus!
Mary = TO WHORES ! TO PUTAS ! TO PUTES !
TO WHORES ! TO PUTAS ! TO PUTES !
I remember "Son O' God" Comics, Marty! I know you do too!
LMFAO! And will probably go to hell for it!
What happens if we nail down a cross on the dog's ass ?? haemorrhoids becomes stigmata? :D
hows come every third person in mexico is named jesus, but the closest we've got here is dog the bounty hunter?
Oh Yeah ! a french bear asshole from here !
Jesus... If I hear your talk trash here + to AB beer Bar... I guess my jokes are going to be more zioum zioum trash !! HAHA
Cool to see you mothafucka ! ;D
STIGMATAHAHA ! TO WHORES !
scientology>jesus.
would jesus ask you to play brutal musical chairs to bohemian rhapsody? NO!
TO WHORES !l AND STIGMATAHAHA !
Each time that I read the word "God" (as it means "sex toy" in french slang) I get in my mind terrible images !!!! "Son of a God" looks amazing !
Isn't Jesus Buried in France ?
Nooo... Jesus has Super Powers because he his "Son of God" ! So he is buried in our "jesus hole" ! :D