God is One Incorrigible Rascal!
Sunday, July 19, 2009 at 4:08PM 
I’m not a real religious person, in fact sometimes I doubt that there’s a God at all. But for the sake of argument, let’s just say that there is a God. If so, he’s one mean son of a bitch! And here’s my theory to back it up.
First off, this theory is more or less based on the Catholic religion’s teachings. I went to Catholic grade and high school, so this is the only God I know of. Which is actually two Gods, God and Jesus a.k.a: “The Son of God.” According to Catholic teaching (and some of this I’m a little fuzzy on, I haven’t been a practicing Catholic for quite some time) God sent his son Jesus down to earth. Now at face value this doesn’t seem like such a horrible thing. But think about it, you’re the son of God, and you have to go slumming on earth? I mean these guys live in Heaven, a paradise that’s so blissful we earthlings can’t even comprehend it. Earth to these guys must be like the world’s grungiest sewer filled with rat piss and camel snot. Imagine the conversation between God and his only son Jesus when God tells him he’s shipping him off to earth.
God: “Hey Jesus, you wanna come over here for a minute, I’ve got something I need you to do.”
Jesus: “Yeah Dad, what’s up?”
God: “Well I’ve got an idea. I’d like you to go to live on earth for about 33 years.”
Jesus: “You’re kidding, right? That place is a toilet!”
And then God breaks the following news to Jesus.
God: “Well I think this would be good for you. You’re living here in Heaven for eternity, 33 years on earth isn’t going to kill you...well, at least not in a way we comprehend up here.
Jesus: “What? I’m going to be killed?”
God: “Listen, it’s better for you not to know what’s going to happen. Just do what I tell you. I’m your father and I’m God!”
Jesus: “I don’t like the sounds of this at all. And what, I’m just going to be beamed down or something? Won’t that attract a lot of attention?”
God: “Oh I’ve got that all figured out. You’re going to be born as an infant to a virgin.”
Jesus: “What? A virgin? That’s not the way it happens down there! You oughta know, you created the whole process.”
God: “I know, I know. But I want your birth to be special, some sort of sign for the earthlings.”
Jesus: “This sounds like some sort of freak show. Count me out. Send an angel or someone from hell to do your dirty work.”
God: “Look Jesus, this is for your own good. I’m not asking here, I’m telling! And you’re leaving in one week, so get your proverbial shit together!”
And so that’s that. I mean Jesus is one powerful son of a bitch, but he’s no match for God. God could fuck him up big time. So the deal is done. But Jesus isn’t the only one God’s fucking with in this whole deal.
First off, there’s Mary, who’s a virgin and she winds up pregnant! Imagine that shit. She’s trying to keep herself pure and chaste and with one zap—BABOOM—God makes her pregnant. “Thank you God, gee that’s great!” She might as well have been fucking the whole football team on a weekly basis.
And then there’s Joseph. That sorry-ass son of a bitch. Now I can’t remember if Joseph gets hooked up with Mary before or after God impregnates her, but the fact of the matter is this poor schnook is saddled with a pregnant gal-pal that he can’t have sex with because she’s giving birth to the son of God and she has to stay a virgin. What kind of second thoughts must he have had? You know he’s outside jerking off in the bushes muttering to himself, “Son of bitch. Out of all of the women in the world to get mixed up with! A virgin whose giving birth to the son of God! Just my fucking luck! I knew I should’ve gone after that slut Mary Magdalen!”
And to top it all off, they’re so poor, they have to have the baby in a fucking barn in the middle of winter! Unbelievable!
Imagine Jesus opening his eyes. You know, he’s in Heaven one minute and the next thing he’s crawling out of Mary and into a freezing barn with goats and shit breathing down his neck. And right away the weirdos start coming around. They’ve barely got the placenta cleaned up and who shows up but the three fucking wisemen! Carrying gifts of gold, frankensence and myrhh. Well, whoopdeefuckingdoo! Now first off I want to know what in the fuck is frankensence and myrhh? I’ve been to a lot of department stores in my day, and damn it all if I’ve ever seen a frankensence and myrhh department. My theory is that these three “wisemen” didn’t have a pot to piss in so they put some weeds and shit in a box and thought up these exotic names. Like they’re going to fool God anyway. And then we’re supposed to believe that that’s real gold? Yeah right. If it was real gold, you wouldn’t need anything else, would you? Gold’s a pretty fucking good stand alone gift, why would you need to dress it up with anything else? It was probably so fake looking they put it on the bottom to hide it. You know, “Here you go Son of God, welcome to the world! Here’s some frankensence, myrrh and...oh yeah, there’s some gold at the bottom of the box. You can check it out later.” Yeah, right! Fucking wiseguys. The second thing I want to know is don’t these jerk-offs have anything better to do than wander around from barn to barn trying to find the son of God in the dead of winter? I mean can you say “Stalker?”
Well anyway, it is a fitting introduction for Jesus to this world. From there on in his whole life consists of having to perform miracles like a some kind of a fucking wind-up circus act and then healing all kinds of crippled people. And you have to hand it to him, he doesn’t complain and he always gives the people what they want. I mean how sweet would it have been to pal around with a guy who’s turning water into wine! That’s some cool-ass shit! So Jesus is probably thinking the whole time, “A few more years of this horseshit and then I’m back in paradise.” But that mean-ass, son of a bitch God has a few tricks up his sleeve for his only son in his last year on earth. He decides to have him viciously killed by the very people he had been doing miracles and all that shit for.
Once again, unbelievable! When Jesus turned 33 he had to be thinking, “Well this crap is just about over. I’ve done a good job, Dad’s probably going to reward me with something big. Maybe I’ll get to take over Heaven! Oh hot damn!” Instead he winds up getting nailed to a cross by everybody he had helped out in all those years. What a fucking way to go! Being nailed to a cross and then you have to hang there till you die with everybody staring at you like it’s an event at a tractor pull or something.
Jesus must’ve been royally pissed. Imagine his thoughts as he hung on that fucking cross: “Thanks Dad! Yeah this is great. You have me jump through fucking hoops of fire for these thankless pricks just so they can eventually nail me to a cross like I’m a fucking picture frame or something! Yeah this is a great lesson to learn Dad. And the lesson is this: NEVER LEAVE HEAVEN! These people are seriously fucked up down here! Okay, I’ve learned the lesson can I come back now? Hello?”
And God knew all this would happen. He knows it all. But he doesn’t give a flying fuck. He’s up in paradise laughing his ass off at his own son’s misfortunes. What a sadistic asshole! And when Jesus finally dies and gets to go back to Heaven, what does God tell him? “Good job son, there’s just one more little thing. Now you need to go back and rise from the dead and hang out with these people and forgive everyone of them.”
This proves one and only one thing: God is one incorrigible rascal!
Reader Comments (5)
EXCELLENT !!!!!! :D
I met an extraterrestrial and what he told me about religion is close to your theory !! lol
TaKe Me To Your Marty Wombacher Show !
That God is one funny dude.
I used to be able to purchase Frankincense at a head shop in Glens Falls...1971....they also sold Betel Nut cigarettes (Bidis) and pipes and shit. Frankincense is quite nice, actually, especially while making love to your girlfriend and listening to King Crimson...oh, I forgot. We were talking about the big G.
virgin birth - same shit happened to britney spears.