Where Are They Now?
Saturday, June 27, 2009 at 4:06PM 
John F. Kennedy
John F. Kennedy was the President of the United States in the early ’60s. In addition to being President, John F. Kennedy liked to have world-leader type sex with women other than his wife Jackie. He particularly enjoyed giving the Presidential squeal to movie star Marilyn Monroe and some mobster’s girlfriend whose name I can’t remember, but the mobster’s name was something like Sam Giancona, but don’t quote me on that, I’m not sure about the spelling. On his last Presidential outing John F. Kennedy’s brains were blown to bits by a shooter (Shooters? Only Oliver Stone knows for sure) in Dallas while he and Jackie were riding in a Presidential motorcade.
So where is John F. Kennedy now?
John F. Kennedy is currently dead.
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Kurt Cobain
Kurt Cobain liked plaid flannel shirts and wore them often, sometimes over Goodwill style t-shirts. In addition to being a plaid flannel shirt wearer, Cobain was guitarist, singer and songwriter in the successful rock and roll band Nirvana. The plucky Cobain also enjoyed shooting up heroin into his body sometimes on more than a twice daily basis. One day in a brief moment of clarity Cobain realized he had accidentally married and fathered a child with musician/actress/woman-whom-the-world-would-have-been-a-lot-better-off-if-her-hippie-parents-would-have-aborted-her, Courtney Love. Realizing this mistake he promptly shot up a boatload of heroin and took a shotgun and blew his head off.
So where is Kurt Cobain now?
Kurt Cobain is curretnly dead.
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The First Guitarist in the Red Hot Chili Peppers Whose First Name Was Havlel Or Something Like That, But I’m Not That Sure
According to the Behind The Music show on the Red Hot Chili Peppers, this guy overdosed on heroin right before the Red Hot Chili Peppers became superstars and subsequently turned into even bigger assholes than they were before they made it big.
So where is the first guitarist in the Red Hot Chili Peppers whose first name was Havlel or something like that, but I’m not that sure, now?
The first guitarist in the Red Hot Chili Peppers whose first name was Havlel or something like that, but I’m not that sure is currently dead.
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Those Nurses That Richard Speck Killed
This was one of the first bigtime murders that I can remember. Basically this drifter/nutty guy Richard Speck was all hopped up on booze and speed and wandered into--now this part I’m not that sure of--it was either a house where some nurses lived, or a hospital. Either way Speck killed some of them, I can’t remember how many, but I think it was more than four.
So where are those nurses that Richard Speck killed now?
Those nurses that Richard Speck killed are currently dead now.
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That Baby That The Teen Couple Threw Into The Dumpster
Maybe you didn’t hear about this if you don’t live in the Tri-State area, but it was a big story for a couple of days in the New York Post about twelve years ago. It might even be longer, time is just flying by! But anyway, the deal is that a teen couple took their baby and threw it in a dumpster. Now I can’t remember if the infant was dead when they tossed him (her? I can’t remember if it was a boy or girl) into the dumpster, but the baby ended up dead. I’m not sure what happened to the teen couple, I think they had to go to some sort of teen prison for baby dumpers, but I’m not totally sure about that, so don’t quote me.
So where is that baby that the teen couple threw into the dumpster now?
The baby that the teen couple threw into the dumpster is currently dead.
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Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson was a talented singer who fronted the band the Jackson Five at a young age. I’m not sure of his exact age, but he was a little kid, I think he was around 11 or12. He was a talented vocalist and dancer and the Jackson Five racked up a lot of hits in the ‘70’s. Later on he started doing solo albums and he pretty much peaked with his album “Thriller.” That was a great album and he wrote most of it. Quincy Jones produced it. Shortly after that, he appeared on a Motown TV special, moonwalked and became an international superstar.
Sadly after that his music started sucking wind and he turned into a scary white guy that bought the Elephant Man’s bones, played with a chimp and fucked little boys.
So where is Michael Jackson now?
Michael Jackson is dead right now. Turn on your TV, I’m sure someone’s yakking about it. Personally I think I’ll watch some porn and just beat it.
Reader Comments (7)
"Shamon..shamon...WOO!"
Hey, maybe Michael invented ShamWow.
And he's still curently dead, I think.
The picture makes me want to high five someone right about now.
You are right on about MJ, talented fucker that went completely psycho!
The Speck murders was a big story when i was a kid! The first real gruesome murder story that i remember! I think it was 8 nurses in a dorm with one nurse escaping by hiding under a bed! I remember thinking how horrible it must have been for the nurse that escaped to be under the bed hearing her friends get killed! Actually.....the Ed Gein story was the first creepy murder story that i heard about as a kid but i was pretty young when that happened!
I'm beating it here boss!
so, what you're saying is john f. kennedy was the father of laura san giacomo? OMG!!! he would've LOVED her boobs!
oh, also, another thing...i just watched this documentary called "the devil and daniel johnston." it's weird. HE's weird - that daniel johnston guy...lotsa brain stuff going on there. but ANYhoo, that shirt that kurt cobain's wearing in that photo (and a bazillion others)? that's one of daniel johnston's album shirts. who the fuck is daniel johnston, you may ask? well, i didn't know either, but apparently he was friends with the likes of sonic youth and gibby haynes (and, by the way, i totally don't believe that THAT butthole surfer didn't give daniel his first hit of acid), and he LOVED the mountain dew. also, he's been compared to brian wilson, although aside from the whole bipolar, (self)medication thing, i don't really see it. he's prolific, though - tons of music and tons of art. and, should you find his music and listen to it closely, i doubt you'll find conor oberst quite as original as you once maybe did.