Beer Frame
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 2:00AM 
I’m really fucking tired tonight so I thought I’d write up a quick booze tale and then have a few beers and collapse. In fact, maybe I’ll make this a new series, called, “Booze Tales from the Past.”
A year ago from last April I had flown back to Peoria, Illinois to visit my folks and my sister and her family. I flew American Airlines and the trip home was a fucking nightmare. I hate to fly, so I had boozed it up before the flight to Chicago. I got there and my flight to New York was delayed. So, I went to a bar and had another couple beers, next flight, delayed. This happened three times more and then they cancelled the flight. So I stood in line and this woman gives me a card and says to call the number and they’ll be instructions as to what to do. Well I call and get a lot of recorded mumbo jumbo, so I hike back to the counter and she says real rudely, “I told you to call the number, that’s all I can do for you.”
So I held my cell phone out and said, “If you can get a real person on the phone, then I’ll leave, otherwise I’m staying right here.”
She scowled at me asked my name and punched a bunch of shit in the computer. She looked snidely at me and said, “I can get you on a flight to Cincinnati and then you get a connection there that will get you to New York by midnight. Will that make you happy?” She asked really condescendingly.
“That would make me ecstatic,” I shot back and she printed up the tickets.
It’s too long to get into, and maybe I’ll write the whole thing up later, but while in the Cincinnati airport, I got arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct because I yelled at an American Airlines employee who was really fucking rude to me. I got beaten up by some hick cop and spent the night in the Boone County jail. Needless to say, it was a long night. I made my own bail in the morning, got a 10:00 am flight to New York and all I wanted when I got on that plane was a beer.
After we took off and the plane stabilized, they brought the beloved drink cart around. I ordered a can of Budweiser and the stewardess gave it to me and smiled. She was fat and missing a couple teeth and I think she liked me. These are the types of babes I attract. I did think to myself that she’d probably be toothless in another couple years and would probably give a good gummer. As I drank my beer I heard her kind of arguing with a passenger saying she didn’t have any change. Now I’m a seasoned drunk flier and I know you should always board a plane loaded with one dollar bills, because they don’t have a lot of change for drinks. So I say to her, "Do you need some ones?”
“Can you change a ten?” She asked flashing that scary grin at me.
“It would make my day to do so,” I told her and counted out the ones.
“She thanked me profusely and on her way back she set a can of Budweiser on my tray and said, “Thanks, sweetie, this one’s on the house,” and she winked at me.
I thanked her, told myself not to have too many more. I’m not a member of the mile high club and I sure didn’t want to join it with her. Taking a swig out of it I realized that about 24 hours earlier, this airline was having me arrested for being drunk. And now they’re giving me free beer! That was one of the best beers I ever had. Sometimes life is pretty sweet.
The show starts right around noon. Come on back then! I hope to see you.
Cheers,
Marty.
Reader Comments (2)
ah, sweet irony. sweet, fat, toothless irony.
The moral of the story is : "If you don't want to go in jail when a bitch is rude, break her teeth and you will get back a beer!" haha :D