Children's Letters To The Marty Wombacher Show
Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 3:15PM 
Dear Herman,
Big fucking deal. I slept under the desk last night because that’s where I landed after falling dead drunk off my chair. And why do you think I give a good flying rats-ass where the fuck you sleep anyway, asshole? Tell it to Michael Jackson, maybe he’ll get a hard-on and let you jerk him off.
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Dear Marilyn,
I heard that fucking joke about 45 years ago and it wasn’t funny then and guess what? If still sucks ass. And I’ve never met you, Marilyn, we’re hardly, “friends.” You dirty slut!
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Dear Bobby,
Nice penmanship there, asshole! Oh, you turned four-years-old, well whoop-dee-fucking-doo! Ooh, what a big man you are! You’re a fucking dipshit is what you are. You know how old I am Bobbly? I’m 51-fucking-years old, so I know a little more about life than you, so just shut your fucking trap and let me explain the ride you’re about to step on.
So, you’re four-years-old, Bobby, that means that you’ve been staying at home with your mom or going to day care while your folks go to work and your brothers and/or sisters go to school. Everybody else is out there busting their humps while you fiddle-fuck the day away doing whatever the fuck you feel like. Well, enjoy your year, asshole, because you know what happens when you turn five? Your ass gets shipped off to kindergarten and then after that 8 long years of grade school.
Teachers forcing you to learn shit you’re never going to need as an adult. Your mind will get stuffed with garbage and rules and regulations. “Don’t talk, don’t chew gum, sit up straight, don’t laugh,” and on and on and on. It never fucking ends, Bobby. This crap is going to rain down on you like a severe thunderstorm of bullshit. And it never ends.
After grade school you have high school, Bobby and if you think grade school was suck-o city, wait till you hit these magical four years. Because in addition to the studying, homework, constant shit from teachers and your parents, more rules and regulations, well now you can throw rejection from girls and being ostracized from people who won’t let you hang out with them because you’re not “cool” enough. High school can be summed up in two words, Bobby: Columbine High.
And then after high school you can either have four more years of bullshit and go to college or you can go to work. Yeah, that’s right, Bobby, work. Work is a real treat. That’s where you get to go somewhere and get shit on by people for about eight hours for the privilege of a paycheck that with any luck will just cover your rent and expenses and maybe eight or ten beers, because you’ll need them at the end of the day just to escape the fucking hellhole that you will find yourself in. Life, it’s the orginal four letter word.
So you just turned four, huh, Bobby? Well enjoy this year, asshole, because it is all DOWNHILL for you after that. Oh, and Bobby? One last thing: FUCK YOU!
Reader Comments (4)
Kids say the darndest things, Marty! Muthafuckas!!
i guess it's NOT possible to have a happy tuesday!
It warms my heart to hear you talking to the little ones! Perhaps you are at that point in your life where you would like to start your own family! If you do .......give a heads up so i can move to the other side of the world!
While you advice is sound, I do have to say that Bobby has remarkable penmanship for a just- turned- 4 -year- old. Or maybe all the four years olds I know are idiots, hmmm...either way!